What "Daddy" means to me

“Hey there, Dee. I was just sitting @ my desk here at work (business is painfully slow) and I started to think about Father's Day and what it means to me. Now, you know how much I like writing down my thoughts, especially in cards and such. Well, I figured you'd like to know what being a Father means to me, even though it's not in a card.

Simply put, it means everything to me!!! It is who I am, first and foremost. I embraced the prospect of fatherhood from the moment I found out your Mom was pregnant. While first-time fathers are always a bit nervous or anxious about becoming a Dad; "will I be a good father?", "will I know what to do?", "will it change my life?", "will I be a good role model?", "how do I do this?", etc., etc., etc., I couldn't wait to become a father! Your Mom & I were in love for so long that having a child figured to be the next phase of our lives and a deepening of our love for each other. I know it's hard for you to imagine your parents in that way, but it is true, you'll see. So, once Mommy became pregnant, I couldn't wait to become a DAD!!! I didn't care whether the baby would be a boy or a girl. Actually, I preferred having a daughter because having that special “Daddy’s little girl” bond was something I desperately wanted to experience since there were only boys in our family.

Nine months of anticipation followed. Certainly, your Mom endured the most drastic lifestyle & physical change once pregnancy began; yet it affected me right away. I wanted my child to know how much he/she was loved before they saw the light of life on earth! I quit smoking immediately! I watched what your Mom ate, even though I was unsuccessful in weaning her off chocolate. I not only painted & wallpapered your future bedroom; I painted the whole apartment so it'd be fresh and clean for your arrival. But I feel the most important "pre-birth" ritual I performed was to attach my stereo headphones (not iPod ear buds like today) to Mommy's pregnant belly and pumped in every Beatle & Temptation song ever written!!!

I will remember the day you were born, vividly, for the rest of my life!! I mean, I even saved the shirt I wore that day and the gown they gave me the first time I held you, which, by the way was the biggest thrill of my life. Will always be too! I wasn't nervous, I wasn't scared, I was in love!! From the moment I knew your Mother was pregnant!! That first birthday, I can remember the feeling I had in my chest; a feeling of exhilaration that cannot be described in words. It has to be felt. It was crippling but in a euphoric way, not in a negative way. Becoming a Dad on that day will be my greatest accomplishment and my greatest day!!!

But there would be so much more to follow after March 31, 1988. I would consciously make a pact with myself that I would be there for you, no matter what!! I would make sure you always knew how much I loved you and I would drop anything I was doing to be with you and play with you and sing with you and, whatever you wanted, as you grew up!!! When I look back on our days together, when you were 1 or 3 or 5, so many wonderful memories come rushing back to me. I relive those early days of holding you in my arms everytime I see a father with his young daughter. I almost want to go up to him and let him know how lucky he is and how he should treasure every second he spends with his little girl. I know I did. "Daddy, come and pick me up", "Goodbye God", "Daddy, do it again" are some of the most precious early sentences you spoke but when I think of them, I can clearly envision; you standing in your crib as I rounded the corner into your room, or you waving to the altar as I whisked you out of the church or whenever I danced around with you during some musical TV show or video tape!!! I can't put into words how it made me feel when you used to run and jump into my arms whenever I came home from work. I could actually hear you running on the floor as soon as I put my key in the lock!! It made the anticipation of 5 o’clock even more dreadful. And then when you got too big to carry (which took a long time because holding you in my arms was something I couldn't get enough of), I would hold your hand whenever we walked anywhere or even when I drove you to school!! And you were sitting in the back seat!! "Frank Rizzo here, have a rotten day".

But there was so much more to experience as you got older (even though you made the deadly choice to start smoking!!). Of course, I could go on and on, talking about how you filled my heart and my life with wonderfully warm memories when you were young, but something you said to me, just the other day, warmed my soul. You know how I sometimes ask you if you remember things we did together when you were small and how, is it in your memory or is it just from watching all the videos I've taken. Well, what you revealed to me a few weeks ago was surely from the heart and from your memory banks; even though this might not mean much to you, it did to me. You told me how you now buy Trident gum in the wrapper because it reminded you of me!!! Something very innocent and trivial but it made me feel good because you remembered that I would always give you Trident gum when you were little!

As a Dad, you constantly monitor how your child conducts hers/himself in life, what type of person she is, is she respectful, does she know right from wrong, is she considerate, will she fall in love with the right guy, will she be happy, etc., etc., etc. Your Daddy wants only the best for you in life. Of course, your Mom does too! We want you to be happy and we love you, unconditionally!!! (unless you become a serial killer, than all bets are off). I know whenever I try and tell you the feelings in my heart, you sometimes get a little embarrassed, but don't. Expressing how you feel about someone you love should come easily and should make you feel good doing it.

Anyway, I just wanted to write down a few of my feelings about being your Dad. I could go on and on but you have a life to live and it would take too long!! Being a parent is a special gift and a pleasure (except when you get 5 tattoos and never clean your room or do your laundry) and I just wanted you to know how happy & thankful I am to be Deanna's Dad!"

All my love,
Daddy

Merciful End to a Glorious Beginning

At 8:20pm, on March 7, 2008, a mercilous end came to my father's suffering, but it was also the glorious beginning to his second life with his Rose!!! Although my brother George, Larry & I lost our Dad that night, we knew he no longer would suffer the agony and loneliness of be separated from the Love of his Life; his Rose!!! Although so many emotions are attached to losing one's parents, I've had to deal with losing them both within a 19 month span. The process was heartbreaking, tragic, emotionally draining and yet, humbling and glorious.

To see the transformation of the man I knew as my father, change to a man who needed absolute assistance with every detail of his life, was emotionally devastating. Yet, we as sons were now in charge of his well being, both physically and mentally. Not the way I had envisioned it, but it was how God had wanted it to be. My Dad was helpless in many ways but it was humbling how life came full circle for us as a family. In the end, it was a man, lost on life's road because he was supposed to be somewhere else but it just wasn't his time to go there. However, on March 7th, it was predisposed for him start his journey on the road to reunion with the Love of his Life and God's loveliest flower, our mother, Rose!! No day or night will pass without thoughts of my parents and how great is that; they are physically gone from our lives but we will never be without them. Heartbreaking yet glorious.

Christmas Memories

Growing up an Italian-American, I have a wealth of Christmas memories of a family that lived "La Bella Vita"; the good life! My soul, my being, the passion I feel toward Christmas was built by decades of exposure to a family of Italians & Italian-Americans. Not too much Italian was spoken, though the women would often fling a few choice Italian "pleasantries" towards the men, as they sat like kings, waiting to be served. No, the warmth and love shared by my extended family; Grandma Mary & Grandpa Vito, Aunt Rina & Uncle Raffaelle, who were constantly fighting, Aunt Mary & Uncle John, who didn't have kids of their own, but showered the rest of us with their love, Aunt Marie & Uncle Mike, who did speak Italian with Uncle Raffaelle & Grandma & Grandpa, add four cousins and you had a pretty large dinner table, or should I say, dinner tables!! And of course, there was always the kids table too! Rina, Mary & Marie were three of the four daughters born to Mary & Vito Limitone. The fourth, Rose, God's loveliest flower, was my Mother. Married to Neil, and the mother of three boys; George, Larry & me, we would all share Christmas Eve dinner, Italian style, every year during my childhood. These are the clearest, warmest and defining memories of my youth. It would be hard to explain to someone what transpired at an Italian Christmas Eve during the 60's & 70's, but what it was was beautiful!!! As an 8 year old, it may have seemed like a major burden, being forced to wear dressy clothes and having to sit at the kids' table, enduring dinners that usually lasted 3 to 4 hours. Little did I know then, this time of my life would help form my very character and the fiber of my being and will forever be how I hold Christmas to my heart!
The smells of the food cooking, the sounds of the women in the kitchen, preparing a 7 course meal like a finely tuned assembly line, complete with meatballs, mozzarella & fennoccia. The courses came to the table in rapid fire. Dozens of hands armed with spoons, forks and knives would pierce braggioli, meatballs, sausage, calamari, antipasto, spaghetti, monicotti, ravioli and those were just the appetizers. There was an orgy of food, consisting of fish, fish and more fish. But for some reason, which remains a mystery to me to this day, I couldn't eat any type of seafood. I mean, I couldn't get it past that little hangy-ball thing in the back of my throat. I would have a gag reflex whenever something from the sea entered my mouth. I don't know how many times I was told, "it tastes just like chicken". Yeah, nice try. No shrimp swimming in garlic sauce is gonna taste just like chicken. But that didn't stop me from eating everything else, from nuts, to fruit, to lasagna, to ravioli, to turkey, to ham, to spaghetti & meatballs!!!
Feeling full? Well, leave room for dessert!!! After that cornucopia of Italian fish & pasta specialties, there would be the cheese cakes, the "svigiadell", cannoli, "pastachort", black coffee & anisette, and the part I loved the most, grandma's home made cookies!!!!
One of the enduring memories I have of these feeding frenzies, was that throughout all of the 7 courses of food, the men wouldn't leave the table nor clear a dish. No, the women would dutifully clean the plates and glasses and masterfully, "vacuum" all the bread crumbs with a brush gizmo from Fuller Brush, that to this day hasn't been replaced or improved upon!!! The men sat there, and would actually lean back in their chairs while the women would remove the many empty plates from in front of their stomachs, smugly asking for the next course of food! And after the last morsel was devoured and the last sip of anisette was savored, the men would retire to the living room, cigarettes or cigars at the ready. While the TV was turned on, us kids, antsy from sitting at the kids table for what seemed like weeks, would run around from room to room, chasing one another, screaming and laughing, oblivious to the fact that we were breaking the utopia the men had created in the living room, with their cigars & cigarettes. No kids were going to disrupt their digesting process, which of course, would inevitably lead to "the nap".
This is merely a sampling of what would happen every Christmas Eve and it pains me to face the reality that my & my brothers' children will never experience this unique, Italian-American experience. We've tried, over the years, to replicate the foods and the wine and the anisette and the laughs of those Christmas Eves, long ago, but there is something missing. The closeness of the sisters and the love they shared, and in turn, showered on their husbands and children, is gone.
Gone, but certainly not forgotten. As we passed into adolescence and young adulthood, Rose would handle the whole event!!! It was hard work and we would all contribute, but my Mother made sure she did her very best to continue the tradition of an Italian-American Christmas Eve. Marriage, divorce and relocation would further dilute the impact of a large family, living La Bella Vita on Christmas Eve. But one thing would never change; there was always fish at every Christmas Eve!!!!! And of course, we would always try and bring the family together, however fragmented we had become.
Losing my Mother in '06 was devastating on so many levels and still remains a path that I find hard to walk in her absence, but one thing always reminds us of who we are and our love of family and that is Christmas Eve. Whatever changes occur, whatever family members are missing, wherever we find ourselves on December 24th, the one thing that will always be renewed is the memories of a large Italian-American family, eating, drinking, laughing, arguing, hugging and kissing together. And for me, a slight woman, energized and doing the work of 10 people and loving every minute of it, would be the peace and joy I feel on this most joyous of Catholic Holidays!! She made Christmas Eve so memorable, so enjoyable, so filled with love that even though she wasn't around, she linked her boys together. All we had to do was simply recall the memories she perpetuated for us all those years ago.
Her last Christmas Eve was spent, surrounded by her adoring sons and loving husband, for one more chance to live La Bella Vita.. Lobster, mozzarella, pasta, meatballs, wine and plenty of love!!! It was bittersweet, knowing that this was the last time I would spend Christmas Eve with my wonderful Mother. Yet, knowing that I was there, with my brothers and my parents, together, the 5 of us, sharing Christmas Eve like we did when we were kids, gave me a strange sense of peace and tranquility, when I knew all too well, that Rose would soon find "her way home".
I don't feel the need to unwrap anything in a box for Christmas. For me, the best present I can receive, every year, is the endearing memory of spending Christmas Eve with my family, whether it was as an 8 year old at the kids table or with my loving, adoring Mother, as she faced her moment of truth. Every Christmas Eve is a gift, one never to be returned and one to be enjoyed and cherished, over and over again!

Stop The Madness

How many times have you been driving down the highway and gotten stuck behind someone doing less than the speed limit, only to find, as you pass them, that they are on a cell phone?? And, I don't know the official police statistics, but I'm gonna say that 85% of the time, it's a woman!!! Now, I'm not being sexist, just a realist. This is not about woman are worse than men when it comes to "driving to distraction", it's about where does it go from here? The cell phone used to be "for emergency use only". Yeah sure, I remember that. And I also remember that a US President once said "no more taxes"!! How have both of those worked out.



How can we stop the madness of cell phone driving? I mean, now, people are texting while driving, applying make-up while driving (and 85% of these offenders are also women), eating while driving, picking their teeth while driving, fixing their hair while driving and oh yes, receiving oral pleasure while driving!!! Now car makers have installed GPS systems, DVD players and pretty soon, actual HD TV's in the dashboard of cars!! Hello, whatever happened to concentration while driving? What ever happened to driving? It seems that today's automobile's secondary responibility is to transport people to a destination. It's primary responsiblity seems to be to entertain!! And the higway police and local police are powerless to stop this madness. There would actually have to be a new police department created just to monitor and punish those that get behind the wheel of a vehicle for the reason of entertainment & personal hygene!!! They would be called the D2DPD or the Driven 2 Distraction Police Department.



I appreciate anyone who has read this far because I was just testing this blog stuff out and began typing aimlessly, although on a topic that I am most passionate about. So, don't laugh