What "Daddy" means to me

“Hey there, Dee. I was just sitting @ my desk here at work (business is painfully slow) and I started to think about Father's Day and what it means to me. Now, you know how much I like writing down my thoughts, especially in cards and such. Well, I figured you'd like to know what being a Father means to me, even though it's not in a card.

Simply put, it means everything to me!!! It is who I am, first and foremost. I embraced the prospect of fatherhood from the moment I found out your Mom was pregnant. While first-time fathers are always a bit nervous or anxious about becoming a Dad; "will I be a good father?", "will I know what to do?", "will it change my life?", "will I be a good role model?", "how do I do this?", etc., etc., etc., I couldn't wait to become a father! Your Mom & I were in love for so long that having a child figured to be the next phase of our lives and a deepening of our love for each other. I know it's hard for you to imagine your parents in that way, but it is true, you'll see. So, once Mommy became pregnant, I couldn't wait to become a DAD!!! I didn't care whether the baby would be a boy or a girl. Actually, I preferred having a daughter because having that special “Daddy’s little girl” bond was something I desperately wanted to experience since there were only boys in our family.

Nine months of anticipation followed. Certainly, your Mom endured the most drastic lifestyle & physical change once pregnancy began; yet it affected me right away. I wanted my child to know how much he/she was loved before they saw the light of life on earth! I quit smoking immediately! I watched what your Mom ate, even though I was unsuccessful in weaning her off chocolate. I not only painted & wallpapered your future bedroom; I painted the whole apartment so it'd be fresh and clean for your arrival. But I feel the most important "pre-birth" ritual I performed was to attach my stereo headphones (not iPod ear buds like today) to Mommy's pregnant belly and pumped in every Beatle & Temptation song ever written!!!

I will remember the day you were born, vividly, for the rest of my life!! I mean, I even saved the shirt I wore that day and the gown they gave me the first time I held you, which, by the way was the biggest thrill of my life. Will always be too! I wasn't nervous, I wasn't scared, I was in love!! From the moment I knew your Mother was pregnant!! That first birthday, I can remember the feeling I had in my chest; a feeling of exhilaration that cannot be described in words. It has to be felt. It was crippling but in a euphoric way, not in a negative way. Becoming a Dad on that day will be my greatest accomplishment and my greatest day!!!

But there would be so much more to follow after March 31, 1988. I would consciously make a pact with myself that I would be there for you, no matter what!! I would make sure you always knew how much I loved you and I would drop anything I was doing to be with you and play with you and sing with you and, whatever you wanted, as you grew up!!! When I look back on our days together, when you were 1 or 3 or 5, so many wonderful memories come rushing back to me. I relive those early days of holding you in my arms everytime I see a father with his young daughter. I almost want to go up to him and let him know how lucky he is and how he should treasure every second he spends with his little girl. I know I did. "Daddy, come and pick me up", "Goodbye God", "Daddy, do it again" are some of the most precious early sentences you spoke but when I think of them, I can clearly envision; you standing in your crib as I rounded the corner into your room, or you waving to the altar as I whisked you out of the church or whenever I danced around with you during some musical TV show or video tape!!! I can't put into words how it made me feel when you used to run and jump into my arms whenever I came home from work. I could actually hear you running on the floor as soon as I put my key in the lock!! It made the anticipation of 5 o’clock even more dreadful. And then when you got too big to carry (which took a long time because holding you in my arms was something I couldn't get enough of), I would hold your hand whenever we walked anywhere or even when I drove you to school!! And you were sitting in the back seat!! "Frank Rizzo here, have a rotten day".

But there was so much more to experience as you got older (even though you made the deadly choice to start smoking!!). Of course, I could go on and on, talking about how you filled my heart and my life with wonderfully warm memories when you were young, but something you said to me, just the other day, warmed my soul. You know how I sometimes ask you if you remember things we did together when you were small and how, is it in your memory or is it just from watching all the videos I've taken. Well, what you revealed to me a few weeks ago was surely from the heart and from your memory banks; even though this might not mean much to you, it did to me. You told me how you now buy Trident gum in the wrapper because it reminded you of me!!! Something very innocent and trivial but it made me feel good because you remembered that I would always give you Trident gum when you were little!

As a Dad, you constantly monitor how your child conducts hers/himself in life, what type of person she is, is she respectful, does she know right from wrong, is she considerate, will she fall in love with the right guy, will she be happy, etc., etc., etc. Your Daddy wants only the best for you in life. Of course, your Mom does too! We want you to be happy and we love you, unconditionally!!! (unless you become a serial killer, than all bets are off). I know whenever I try and tell you the feelings in my heart, you sometimes get a little embarrassed, but don't. Expressing how you feel about someone you love should come easily and should make you feel good doing it.

Anyway, I just wanted to write down a few of my feelings about being your Dad. I could go on and on but you have a life to live and it would take too long!! Being a parent is a special gift and a pleasure (except when you get 5 tattoos and never clean your room or do your laundry) and I just wanted you to know how happy & thankful I am to be Deanna's Dad!"

All my love,
Daddy